Anger
39 years I have been controlled by anger. Tonight I went to an anger class for women at church. The group leader, who I respect immensely said I look angry. After listening I realized all my hurts I have stuffed. I swallowed them with alcohol, drugs and food. All this did was make me even more angry at myself. For years I exploded and now I am quiet. In my silence I have slipped into a dark place of depression. I need to find balance. My feelings are valid. Depression is anger turned inward.
Going Home
Sometimes we have to go back to our roots to reclaim our strength. I’m going home, going to my river, going to spend time with some people that really know me. I need to go back to where I came from to see how far I have come. I don’t just mean geographically. I need to go back where I first learned to pray, where I fought and cried and loved and lost and learned my most important life lessons.
Coming Undone
When you are coming undone it’s a good time to reflect, analyze & reevaluate. Somethings we need to completely let go of, some only need to be modified. To really understand how something works, it needs to be taken apart. That’s where I’m at right now….I’m coming undone.
Why?
if God knows everything and He knows how everything is going to turn out then why did he entrust an imperfect person with children knowing they would continually screw up and disappoint them? Why would he want them to suffer with heartache and insecurities?
Dillon
Please put the bottle down, and while you’re at it the pipe also. Go to detox, rehab, a meeting. Recovery is fun, it’s hard, totally worth it and life changing. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were growing up. I’m sorry I left you with your grandparents. I am powerless over drugs and alcohol and when I am using my life is unmanageable. I suffer from the disease of addiction. it’s cunning, baffling and powerful. This is by no means an excuse for my behavior, only an explanation. My first instinct when you asked me for money is to give it to you. I feel so guilty for missing out on you growing up. I cannot give you money out of guilt. Money will not make up for lost time. Knowing that you are now in the grip of addiction breaks my heart. I cannot give you money to further your disease. I am terrified I will get a phone call telling me that you have died. Death is an all too serious reality. I cannot bear the thought of burying another child. Everyday I pray for God’s will in your life to be done. I love you so much Dillon. Because of my love for you, I let your grandparents raise you. I spared you from seeing me strung out. I wasn’t there for then, please let me be here for you now. Whatever it takes, I will help you get through this.
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